The headrest for my soul
by Rinusagitora
Summary: One-shot. Canon divergent, post TYBW arc. HitsuKarin-centric, platonic JinKarinUru, mentioned familial HitsuHina, implied RenShuuKiraHina. WARNINGS- suicide by overdose, codependency, depression. / Yuzu is her reason to live. Ururu and Jinta are her sanity. But Toushirou? Toushirou is her home. Without him, she is naught but empty hole.


Her nights, even when her sleep was segmented by half hours or hours of wakefulness because of hollow presences, came to a close with sweet dreams.

At one time, she preferred to say her day started with her dreams- of her mother still alive and always with a smile, of the roar of the crowd after her team's victory at internationals, of her peaceful death and her centuries-long career as a shinigami- but she turned twelve and then decided it was easier to deal with the next day, days of inaction against the monster that was the junior high rumor mill, when the one prior ended on a good note.

When her dreams ended, she awoke on her own, two or sometimes three minutes before her alarm. That morning was not such was not a morning.

Her twin's voice floated through her dreams. She blinked herself free of them and smiled at her twin above her.

"Mornin'," she yawned. It was hard to be angry at Yuzu on schoolless Sunday and even harder to when she felt her twin's loneliness. Who was she to turn away such a lonely girl, even at seven in the morning on their only day off?

"I'm making waffles. Do you want any?"

She hummed affirmative as she rubbed away the crust in the corners of her eyes. "Yeah. Lemme brush my teeth and I'll be down." She said. For some reason, she wasn't really awake until after she brushed her teeth and got a cup of coffee in her. The later, though a premature habit, was mostly a consequence of her midnight escapades with Jinta and Ururu after Ichi-nii lost his powers. Her habit continued mostly out of addiction.

She grabbed her phone off the nightstand, sent Ururu and Jinta a quick good morning text, and made her way into the washroom. Her phone was an extension of herself, in many ways, her closest link to the Shouten kids when she was away from them. Like Yuzu was her reason to live, those two were her sanity. They stayed in touch after Ichi-nii regained his powers. Even if they couldn't slay hollows anymore between Ichi-nii's iron thumb and his posse's unwillingness to keep their adventures on the down-low after her brother's reinstatement. They only people who understood her tribulations, she couldn't lose them.

She sat at the table when her teeth were finally clean. Yuzu had already set her food out; a pile of chocolate chip waffles, drizzled with syrup and butter and blueberries on top. Her twin's were plain waffles with whipped cream, strawberry sauce, sliced bananas. She couldn't help but note how it reflected them as people in many ways. Yuzu's was fluffy and colorful, while her's was muted with the addition of an ingredient that gave her's a very different taste.

Her powers were her addition. She only wished they made her sweet like chocolate chips.

It was stupid how that difference seemed to rule her life.

Her phone buzzed twice in her shorts, and just a moment later, she felt _his_ presence.

 _Your boy's here,_ Jinta's text read, _he's coming to you._

"What's got you grinning all the sudden?" Yuzu chirped.

"Toushirou just texted me. He should be here in a couple of minutes." It was only half a lie, she thought. It was sort of hard to explain why a friend gave her a heads up since Toushirou's phone couldn't call her own because he came from a different dimension.

"Ask him what he wants with his waffles." Yuzu told her as she slipped out of her chair.

"Uh… he's boring, so just make for him what you made me."

"Alright," Yuzu stood and made her way to the stove. "I wonder if you two are married, with how much you know about each other. I mean, I dunno how you finagle it out of him. He's so quiet…."

She laughed as her cheeks warmed. "My womanly wiles, I guess." Her sister laughed too.

His every footstep seemed to pass longer than the last, like he dragged himself through a deep molasses lake, and everything she did to occupy her time- ate her breakfast as slowly as possible, rinsed her plate, brushed her teeth again, brushed her hair, dressed, simply didn't quicken time's pace.

But he arrived, alas. She hopped down the stairs, rather slipped halfway down and fell the rest of the way, as he jogged up the walk and threw open the door just as he knocked.

"Toushirou…" she beamed as he blinked at her. "Good to see you here."

"I would compliment your appearance, but you look a little bedraggled." He replied as he brushed past her. "Tsumugiya told me your team will be going to regionals, though. Congratulations."

She laughed sheepishly as her cheeks warmed. Like Yuzu was her reason to life, and the Shouten kids were her sanity, Toushirou was her joy. He so easily made her chest bubble with some elation, so easily made her cheeks warm, so easily made her feel welcome. She loved him because of that.

"How've you been? I hope you haven't been overworking yourself." She said after they had seated themselves on the sofa.

"I've been alright." Toushirou replied.

"That's so vague." She chided him.

"I happen to be fine with alright. I did just come out of the worst period of my life, so this normalcy is welcome."

She smiled at him. The Great War had been hard on many shinigami, it was good to hear that, even though he had lost many men, he still fared alright. "That's the sort of answer I wanted, you know." She said then. "For a captain, you're sure bad at being thorough. I hope your reports don't suffer."

"Hey, that was uncalled for." He scoffed.

Yuzu delivered his waffles. He thanked her twin. There was only a moment of resentment towards Yuzu, because she had wanted to talk a little more, but it only lasted that moment after she remembered that Toushirou was still there and they had the entire day together.

"How've you been, Karin?" Toushirou asked as he pulled apart his waffled with his fork.

"You already know that my team's going to regionals, so there's not much else to say." She replied. "I'm still having a hard time in school. I'm eeking by, but..." but she would rather be dead. She would rather use the powers that rushed through her veins. And Toushirou knew that, it just wasn't something she could discuss in her twin's presence. He had already scolded her for it, anyways, told her that she still had purpose in the World of the Living. Obligations to her team, because without her they wouldn't go anywhere let alone regionals. Obligations to Yuzu, because her sister couldn't take yet another loss. Obligations to Ururu and Jinta, because without her they would be virtually alone.

"You'd be doing much better if you just got a tutor." Yuzu chirped. She leaned back and glared at her twin past Toushirou's hair. Yuzu stuck tongue out at her.

"Will you be staying the night?" She asked.

"No, I have to leave after supper."

"Take me for a walk then."

"I can do that."

"And then lunch."

"Doable,"

"And ice cream,"

"Also doable." He said. "Would you like to join us, Kurosaki?"

She briefed a sigh of relief as Yuzu shook her head. "No, thanks. I've got homework and some shopping to do for supper. You guys enjoy yourselves, though."

"We will, thank you." Toushirou said. She smiled gratefully at her twin over his shoulder, but her twin merely cleared Toushirou's plate.

* * *

Naturally, their walk-lunch-ice cream-not-date became an entire day-not-date. It no longer surprised her, just because it was so easy to lose herself with him- from time to stress to loathe to that dreadful facade she used. They ended up on the soccer field and their game devolved into a wrestling match which he definitely won after her picked her up and held her over his head, as if a threat that he would throw her to the ground and cackle as she moaned about her broken bones. They picked up pizza and then ice cream, and they ate their ice cream upon a swingset in the same park.

It was date-y and it wasn't date-y, like most of their outings were. She had learned to ignore her anxiety, his sweetness, and she had learned to hold her tongue before she said something that would've ruined their friendship.

"Your sister is going to kill us when we go back and we can't eat supper." He snort as he lamely rocked.

"You may not, but I've got a hollow leg." She responded.

"Impressive, I suppose." He grumbled.

Alas, pure peace was out of their reach. A scream ripped through the air and stomach churned as noxious reiatsu stirred in the air.

A hollow.

She dropped her ice cream and took off. Toushirou cussed as he took chase.

"Karin, stand down!" He bellowed. "I may be off duty, but I cannot stand by and let the living fight against hollows! It's negligent!"

She swiped at his feet with a kick, but he merely jumped over her leg. He grabbed her by the front of her shirt and pinned her to the wall. He was impervious to her narrow glare and she was too weak to fight against his raw power.

"Do not be so immature. You know very well this isn't personal." He snarled.

"And you know how much this means to me. You know this is my purpose." She growled back. "Nobody has to know. You can lie on your report."

"That's not how it works. Since the Winter War, surveillance of the captains when they're out of the Seireitei has increased. I cannot because we are being watched." He told her. "Please, I'll make it up to you, but this isn't negotiable."

Her tightened limbs laxed and Toushirou released her. "Let's go. I want to at least watch." She groused.

"You can do that." He replied as he popped a Soul Candy.

They took off again, his gigai's hand wrapped tightly around her wrist to prevent anything more on her end, and skid to a stop where the hungry energy was most concentrated. The hollow was a big, ugly thing, with a long face and its eye sockets atop tall stalks, and between its slimy tendrils was spotted webbing it used to glide.

Toushirou drew his sword and her anger melted away as he charged. He was majestic as he fought, his every movement controlled, powerful, graceful. He made it look easy. He was a master.

She loved that about him, too. She's just frustrated by how stuck she was, how weak it made her. Weak was a strange thing to call herself, when her voice was like a lion's roar and her quads were as hard as packed clay, but it was all bravado. When it came down to it, to the people that mattered, she was weak and helpless and unrespectable.

"Are you alright?" Toushirou asked before he merged with his gigai.

"Not a scratch."

He sighed as he picked up her wrist. His gigai held her so tightly it left finger-shaped bruises around it. It didn't hurt much, but it was noticeable. "Your sister is going to kill me when she sees this." He said. "I'm… really sorry. For this and… and for shoving you, and the rest of that. If I had my own way…." His lips tightened as trailed off. If he had it his own way, she would already be a substitute shinigami.

It still pissed her off.

"I know." She replied.

"Will you forgive me?"

"I'm not angry." She replied. Not with him, at least.

"You were, though. Please forgive me?"

Her brow furrowed. "A true apology," she started, "requires the intent to never repeat one's mistake. Seeing as this will happen again in the future I can't forgive you because you're not really sorry."

Toushirou's expression was unreadable, but she could tell she hurt him. It was cruel that she couldn't bring herself to mend the situation, like the petty child she was.

"... I forgive you." She said, because no matter how much she hurt she always gravitated back to him. "I was trying to make a point. It's out of our control, so it doesn't bother me."

It didn't seem to soothe Toushirou, but he continued anyways. "Y-you dropped your ice cream back at the park. Let's go get you another cup."

"Okay." She could do that, if it made him feel any better, because she kind of felt like shit too.

* * *

Yuzu, when they finally got home, fetched her a cold compress for her wrist. She didn't miss the glower her twin shot Toushirou. She wondered what misunderstanding would spawn if she didn't come up with a story.

"I tripped on my shoelace going down some stairs. He caught me before I killed myself." She said.

Yuzu hummed, unconvinced, but her twin was used to being stonewalled and wasn't the type for confrontation.

It was just the three of them at supper. Her father always seemed busy when Toushirou was around and she never really knew where Ichi-nii went. But their absence was fine by her- she didn't risk humiliation with just her sister's presence.

Still, she hated Sunday nights. Toushirou left those nights. He tore part of her away and took it with him every time.

It wasn't right when Toushirou was gone. She was so lonely, and it was a strange since part of her was afraid of what tragedy commitment would bring, but he seemed to complete her in some way. They clicked. They clicked unlike her classmates, they clicked unlike her teammates, they clicked unlike her very own sister. It wasn't like she hadn't tried, her friendships just… sputtered out in the span of weeks. She was like a jigsaw piece in the wrong puzzle when she was among the spiritually oblivious. It was only with Toushirou and the Shouten kids that she felt at home.

Sometimes she wondered what was wrong with her, sometimes she wondered if her love for them was a sign that she would be much happier in the Seireitei, but that train of thought last resulted in an emergency skin graft by Urahara. Those things escalated- from all nighters so maybe she would walk into oncoming traffic on her way to school and not even notice, to toying with scissors with some sick hope that she would gather the bravery to just cut herself open, to dangling her toes off the edge of a bridge.

Sometimes, Ururu and Jinta made it better. Most of the time they just made it hurt more, but she gravitated to them like she gravitated to Toushirou.

 _Dwelling on it only makes it hurt more, you know. How about you think of his next visit? It's inevitable by now._ Ururu's message read.

 _I know but I can't stop. I hurt all the time when I'm not with you guys. It's kinda sad how dependent I am, but you guys are the only ones who understand me._ She messaged back.

 _Your family loves you. Ichigo too, he's just bad at showing it. You can depend on them._

 _I love them too, even Ichi-nii, but there's no trust here. There's lies, there's facades, we're all trying to hide something or everything, mostly how much we hurt. It's been like this since Mom died. We're just trying to take care of ourselves so we don't burden each other but it doesn't work. I'm not sure how to fix it, though. Part of me plain wants to exceed Ichi-nii so I can spit in his face for lying to me but I just want some honesty._

 _It's got to start with someone, don't you think?_

She frowned. _My efforts are just as futile as with Toushirou._

 _Ichigo is your family and he's not as self-absorbed as you sometimes think. You'll have a much easier time building rapport with him._

 _You make it sound like it's so simple. When has anything been simple with the Kurosaki?_

She dumped her phone in her bag, rolled over, and tried to get some sleep.

* * *

She knew she had a handful of admirers- a couple of boys who'd fallen for her talent, a couple more who thought she would've made a cute accessory, a couple of curious girls since she was so open about her sexuality.

Even those few hadn't left her notes in the past.

"Hey, dude, your hands are shaking. Is your blood sugar low or something?"

The letter crinkled as her fists tightened. It was a love letter, she knew it was, and it terrified her for some reason. Fear of rejection was something she suffered too, which was one reason she hadn't spilled her guts to Toushirou, and as it was something she sympathized with, it would break her heart to turn someone away. But what if it was Toushirou? She pegged him as the sort to just come out with it, but perhaps he wanted to be romantic.

Her heart dropped into her gut as she finally opened it. She didn't know Toushirou to be a poet.

Jinta's eyebrow quirked as he peeked over her shoulder. "'I know you don't like love letters and empty words, but I've fallen hard.' What the fuck kind of haiku is that? What junior high student even writes haiku? Go outside, like damn."

She stared dumbly at the penmanship. It didn't match any of her admirers or her friends, and the anonymity frightened her.

So she crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebin. "It doesn't matter, Jinta. Let's just go. I have homework to procrastinate and pizza parlors to patron. Where the fuck is Ururu anyways?

"She caught a cold." Jinta told her as he stuffed his fists in his jacket pockets. "Y'know, I never thought a bunch of eighth 'n ninth graders would be so into dating. Isn't that supposed to be saved for high school or something?"

"Are you throwing shade at me?" She scoffed.

"Nah, you don't take it as seriously as some others."

"I dunno, I've been so into Toushirou for awhile now." Nobody liked somebody for two fucking years with barely any contact with them if they weren't lovesick.

"He's different though, so you have an excuse."

She blinked at Jinta. "How so?" She asked dubiously.

"I'm not stupid, Karin. I don't approve getting so attached to Toushirou like you have since all that is so complicated, but he has the decency to be honest with you and makes you feel less lonely when he's around, so I can't really hate him."

She frowned as they walked. She was a masochist if she loved Toushirou despite how much it hurt to be apart, despite that they may never be together.

Jinta nudged her with his elbow. "You live too much in your head, Karin. Open up a little." He said.

She laughed sheepishly. "Sorry, I've got a test tomorrow and taking up a lot of my attention for some reason.

"Sure, a test." He rolled his eyes.

* * *

It was a beautiful Friday afternoon. Too beautiful to be cramped inside, berated with some lecture about agametic reproduction. The sky was clear and impossibly blue, and the sun was above her school and out of her eyes, and the temperature was perfect for t-shirts and shorts and to run around on a soccer field.

Those were the sorts of days she wished to spend with Toushirou….

A chill ran down her spine, then. A grin split her face. That was most definitely his reiatsu she felt. It was almost like magic. He never came on Fridays and especially not when she was in school, but like she willed him to appear, he was there.

Her hand shot up and she asked to be excused to the nurse's. Before her teacher even asked about her sudden affliction, she was gone. She ran faster than she ever had in the past, ran all the way home and didn't slow down, not even when her side cramped or when her shoulder slammed into the gate, she didn't slow down until she was out of her shoes and stumbled down the hall.

"Toushirou!" She gasped.

His eyebrows shot into his hairline. "You look like hell."

She wheezed as she propped herself on her knees. Toushirou dragged her to the couch where she collapsed and grabbed her a glass of cool, lightly salted water.

"Did you run all the way here?" He asked as he held the glass to her lips. His other hand supported her neck as she chugged. Really, she could've done it herself, but his touch was welcome. She got to stare into his beautiful eyes like that.

She pushed the glass away, wiped her lips, and then nodded. Toushirou chuckled for some reason.

"What?"

"You're just a weirdo." He said as he watched her prop herself up and sip. "You skipped school and ran something like three and a half kilometers. You're so stupid it's actually flattering."

"Why're you here so early?" She asked.

Toushirou merely shrugged. "I finished with my work early and decided to spend my weekend with someone I actually like instead of babysitting a bunch of drunks."

Her face felt hot. She was grateful she could blame her rosy flush on her run. Still, she reached for the remote on the end table. She might kiss him if he complimented her again, and that would lead to a mess….

"How has school been?" Toushirou asked as he climbed onto the couch and pulled her legs over his lap.

A snort ripped from her esophagus. "You know how I am." She said.

"Karin, you need to keep your grades up. I know you think most of what you learn in school is worthless to your future, and perhaps the material is, but school develops your work ethic now that you will need as a shinigami. The Winter War and the Great War were exceptions to our lives. We're warriors, but we're bureaucrats on our regular days." Toushirou chastised her.

"I have tried, I'm just stupid." She scoffed.

"Untrue!" He snapped. His sudden severity startled her. "You're brilliant, resourceful, quick on your toes, down to earth. I know academia doesn't come easily to you, but you just need a little help. I'd help you if I understood the material, but I'm certain you can find a tutor who can cater to your unique learning style." He said. "But don't you ever denigrate yourself like that again, have I made myself clear?"

Her brows furrowed as guilt squeezed her heart. She knew Toushirou just wanted to help, and he was partly correct and she was just mulish, but it all seemed futile when she already knew the path she wanted to take with her life.

But how he, equally stubborn and even more stoic, still put up with her immaturity was the real mystery. She was just grateful he was still there….

"H-how long are you going to stay? The weekend or just tonight?" She asked.

"The weekend, so long as the Seireitei doesn't fall apart." He replied. "If you'll have me, that is."

"You know you're always welcome here." She said.

They stared at each other, oblivious to the children's show that played on the television that she ought to change. But his eyes were beautiful and he looked at her with care and concern that she couldn't look away.

"... take a nap, you look like shit." Toushirou finally said.

She was awfully tired, she thought as her eyes fluttered. But his visit was so out of the norm that an irrational part of her feared that she had finally lost it and he was just a hallucination and she would wake to nothing. So she pushed him onto his back and then laid herself across his front, her ear on his hammering heart. He couldn't disappear that way.

"H-hey, inappropriate, Karin…." Toushirou stammered.

"Relax," she giggled, "I just need a pillow."

Toushirou's heartbeat was like a hypnotic lullaby. It made her eyelids heavy and put her into some entranced, lucid dream state. She thought how odd it was that he was so warm and supple despite the artificial vessel he was in. But Urahara was a genius. That man made the most persuasive gigai. She wondered how he performed such miracles like gigai and her migraine meds, but she was thankful either way. He made everything she loved so tangible.

* * *

Yuzu wasn't pleased when she was found on top of Toushirou. Her twin's eyebrows were pinched just slightly as she was jostled awake, and her twin was awfully curt with Toushirou the rest of the night. There were two possibilities for her sister's displeasement- Yuzu either thought Toushirou deliberately hurt her and she covered for him the same way she covered for Ichi, or Yuzu had figured out Toushirou was a shinigami or some other force that intended to steal her away. She hoped it was the first. It was much simpler to dispel an abusive situation than something that she partly hoped was true.

The evening was otherwise peaceful. She was restless when she retired, though. Her day didn't end and it didn't begin. She didn't dream that night so when her eyes fluttered open at godforsaken four o'clock in the morning it still felt like the night before. But she was simply too excited to rest any longer.

She quietly made her way to the bathroom to shower, a change of clothes under her arm. Was she truthful, she planned to sluff at the Shouten with Toushirou and Jinta and Ururu, start her weekend early, but Toushirou already reamed her a new asshole through her ears so she figured she ought to at least attend.

There was a knock at the washroom door as she brushed her teeth. It was Toushirou, a little bedraggled with even messier hair with a strap of his tanktop had fallen down his thin shoulder and his pajama shorts ridden up to his waist.

"What the hell are you doing up?" He mumbled as he wet his toothbrush beside her.

She was half-tempted to just tell him she was a morning person, but she couldn't bring herself to lie to him. "I couldn't sleep." She said through her toothpaste. She was amazed she was even articulate before her coffee.

Toushirou hummed. They were silent as they brushed their teeth.

"You'll be going to school today, won't you?" Toushirou asked as he combed his hair. "I assume so if you're dressed like that."

"Yeah," she replied as she rolled her stiff shoulders. "Saturdays are half days and I don't have practice so I'll be home earlier."

"I'll come pick you up in that case. We can go out for burgers or something. I've had this ridiculous craving lately…."

She laughed as her cheeks warmed. She used to not peg Toushirou as the sort to suffer from cravings, but he was an early adolescent like any other, in the middle of some awkward transition with body acne and mood swings and crushes and-

That love note returned to the forefront of her mind. He was still a captain, he had the ability to smother his reiatsu beyond what her immature sensors could feel. What if all the exceptions he made for her- like reference her by her given name, visit her, insistence he paid for her meals when they went out, little objection to her shenanigans, his patience and his support- was because he returned her feelings and she was just too stupid to realize it until then?

What if she could turn that time into an actual date?

"I'll bring a change of clothes, then." She said, and she admired her ability to at least act cool when she was about to go into cardiac arrest.

"You're fine in your uniform, really."

"Um, don't you know jackshit? You don't go out on the town in your school uniform." She scoffed.

"You're, like, fourteen, and it's not exactly clubbing."

"No, but I am going to look hot as hell because I want to."

"Your uniform is already complimentary. At least, Tsumugiya tells me some gentlemen have a fetish for young women in school uniforms."

"Toushirou… do you have something you're trying to tell me?"

Toushirou merely rolled his eyes. "I'm gonna start breakfast. Is there anything you want?"

"... French toast, with cinnamon and fruit" she replied, "but Yuzu's gonna be pissed when she finds you in her kitchen."

"I'll just put on some coffee in that case." He grumbled. "I have no idea what I did to infuriate your sister so much…."

She merely laughed abashedly. She wasn't sure where to start with her family's issues.

She sat on the counter as Toushirou prepared their coffee. It was even more delicious than Yuzu's coffee, and something delicious about the serenity and domesticity of that morning. There was a sort of perfection to that morning, as if it was a taste of happiness with him.

Yes, she thought, that was the day she would tell him, she thought. That was her first step towards happiness.

* * *

She had promised her attendance, but her attention was another thing altogether. Concentration on boring numbers and words was impossible when her perfect weekend was so imminent. She daydreamed about her confession, she even wrote an outline in the margins of her workbook so she knew exactly what to say, and then an outline of their entire date. Burgers first, then the arcade, then the park where she would tell him.

The perfect, almost fairy tale-esque feeling lingered. She dreamt of their kiss, of the I-love-yous and the tears that would certainly follow. It would be magical and she would make sure of it.

Her leg bounced as she felt Toushirou's approach fifteen minutes before the bell. Those prior hours passed quickly, but those minutes seemed to be the longest of her life. Her heart pounded harder against the back of her ribs as the seconds ticked by. They said a watched pot never boiled, and it seemed true, but where else could she direct her attention? The reality of her daydreams which took her breath away? Risk her phone taken if she messaged Jinta and Ururu about her anxiety which would postpone her weekend until her father could come fetch it from faculty?

But those seconds passed, finally, and she bolted out of her homeroom like it was on fire for her locker in the dressing room. She garnered many stares as she raced, and she was certain that was Yuzu that shout her name as she took stairs three at a time. But there wasn't anymore time to waste- not for homework or hollows or family, not when time already sped towards Toushirou's departure for the Seireitei again.

Toushirou cocked a brow at her as she approached. She was warm under his gaze and eager for whatever compliment he gave.

"I have so many questions, I don't know where to begin." He said, and her heart sunk. "I mean, you look very nice, but you didn't need to dress up. Your uniform is just fine."

"Nonsense, nobody goes to town on a Saturday without looking nice." She scoffed. But he liked it, and that was all that mattered, she thought as she caught his wrist. "C'mon, now! Pizza can't eat itself!"

"I-I thought we were going out for burgers-"

"Oh my god, burgers then. We have a totally flexible schedule, you know. We could go play soccer first, and then work up an appetite, and then eat. But I'm hungry so we're not going to do that."

Toushirou fell beside her. They slowed to a lazy shuffle, and he took his hand back to fold his arms.

"It nice today." She remarked, followed by a pleasant sigh. "How long do you think we'll be out?"

"I'll get you home before supper. I don't need your sister on my case even more than she already is…." Toushirou involuntarily shuddered then, as if her sister was some cannibalistic boogeyman that breathed down his neck that very moment.

Still, she couldn't help but be disappointed that they had only a handful of hours before supper. She would have to make it even more perfect in that case so Toushirou didn't stand a chance against that princess.

She sent a message to Ururu and Jinta to cover any hollows that Ichi-nii's friends couldn't. She wouldn't let anything jeopardize the perfect night she confessed.

It was a feat in and of itself that she kept her food down. Her belly churned and twisted and spasmed the closer her fated hour loomed. And she convinced herself it was silly, because she was certain Toushirou wrote that letter and she was certain they would be together for years if not the rest of their lives because it was impossible for her to imagine her life without Toushirou.

She had fallen just behind him as they made their way through the throngs of people and labyrinth of streets. She was heavy and her mouth was dry as a sponge. Every step felt like she trudged through a knee-deep landslide instead of air. She swore she would faint if her heart hammered any harder. She had experienced fear in the past, as hollows bowed over her and drooled on her cheeks, but she would've rather stuck her head right between its teeth than go on another step. She was half tempted to just scrap her fairy tale and go on as friends, but she was Karin Kurosaki and she didn't have an ounce of cowardice in her bloodstream.

She caught Toushirou's wrist. He spun around and the ethereal color of his eyes sent shivers down her spine.

"I love you." She blurted. His eyes bugged out of his skull. "I love you." She marvelled at how easily that iteration tumbled out, and then the dam broke. "I'm irrevocably in love with you, Toushirou. I've been in love with you for so long, and I love everything about you. You don't patronize or infantilize me, you treat me as your equal even despite our obvious differences in capability. I-I know you can't answer all of my questions, but I know you don't do anything to put me down or keep from me what I can know. I feel so much stronger when I'm with you, like I can make my way through all the impossibilities I've been handed." She laughed then, blissfully. "And you're so beautiful, you know? Majestic, breathtaking, like a dragon. You're everything I want to be and everything I've wanted in a partner."

Toushirou's chest heaved as he panted, as if she had give that speech while he ran for his life. His eyes were so emotive. He looked ecstatic, hurt, regretful, mournful, so many things but many of them filled her with a cold sense of dread.

"Karin," he croaked in some heartbroken tone. He quickly wiped the tears in from his eyes with the back of his hand and she honestly thought she would puke on the spot. Why did he sound like she had just informed him of someone's death? He wouldn't cry if he loved her, right? Whywhywhy did he cry-

"I can't." He said. Her grip lost its strength. His hand fell back to his side. Everything from her neck to her knees turned to jelly and she fell to the pavement. She didn't even feel the impact of her knees on the ground, like the entire world fell out from under her and left her suspended in a vacuum.

"Wh-what do you mean?" She knew she cried with him, by the hoarseness of her voice. Her cheeks felt sticky and she couldn't breathe through her nose.

"I can't love you." He said.

"I-I don't understand."

"I can't love you. I can't do it."

Her fists caught his shirt as if he was her only attachment to reality. "I don't understand. Don't? Can't? Won't? _Why?_ Was it something I did? Is it some rule in the Soul Society?"

"Because you don't love me!" He sobbed. "You love what I do. You reek of dissatisfaction, Karin, you tell me all the time how bad you are at being human and you're so eager to finesse your skills as a shinigami. You live vicariously through me, I am the closest to death you can achieve without actually going through with it."

"You misunderstand. That's only a part of it. I love you because we're alike. I've discovered through knowing you that I'm meant to be a shinigami. I don't love you because you're like my death, I love you because I feel at home with you, and with other shinigami I'll be at home. They're two different things!" She bellowed. "Do you understand what it means for me to feel like I belong, don't you? I don't even feel that with my own flesh and blood."

"Of course I understand, but this isn't love. You've imprinted on me."

She screeched and pound her fists against his chest. "Why aren't you listening to me? You always listen to be, what makes this different? Don't you love me? Wasn't it you who left that haiku for me? Isn't that why you keep visiting me? Isn't that why you're so nice to me?"

Toushirou was still as she pounded her weak fists against his ribs. They garnered stares because of her tantrum, but she couldn't bring herself to care. He had torn yet another bone from her body.

"Why? You've been my friend for so long and I know you love me, but why can't you do it now." She sobbed as she grabbed his shirt again.

He pried her fingers from his shirt. She couldn't look him in the eye. "I should go." He spoke softly, like how Ichi-nii spoke when he held back tears. "I'm very sorry, Karin."

His footfalls faded from earshot and her breath followed. She felt much like a river stone as the crowd dispersed. She couldn't help but think she may eventually be worn away like one.

She knew it to be Jinta and Ururu that found her and carried her home like a dumb pack.

The blood had returned to her legs on the way home, but the ground beneath the soles of her shoes felt like uneasy waves of stormy seas.

She was delivered to her room. She sobbed as the fell back into her mattress and held tightly around her.

"I'll never have anything good, will I?" She lamented as she squeezed her eyes. "I always ruin it, or it's taken from me."

"I'm not going anywhere. Neither's Jinta. You're stuck with is, even after you die." Ururu told her.

"He's stupid to do that to you." Jinta said. "He led you on, he left you. It's his fault. He's the sort that gets off on hurting girls."

She frowned. She was familiar with those sorts, older boys who thought girls were their right and had no problem diddling other girls even if they had girlfriends. Toushirou didn't seem like the sort to do that. He was noble and chivalrous and kind. It was her who had crossed that line- her foolishness, avarice, dependency. She had chased him away.

But perhaps they were right. She always cut herself the short end of the straw. She wished she could make sense of it as quickly as she made sense of everything else, but reality hadn't quite settled in.

"Is it bad that I can't agree with you?" She whispered. Ururu merely nuzzled her cheek.

There was a knock at her bedroom door, then. The three of them nearly jumped out of the window, skittish by habit, but they relaxed. Yuzu's reiatsu was behind it, sweet and bitter and concerned. She knew her twin couldn't tell who was behind there, and even if Yuzu could, she doubt it mattered. Jinta and Ururu had come over in the past, they were just a couple of friends hanging out.

"Karin, I know you're in there. I won't come in. I know you grieve privately. But just listen to me, okay?" Yuzu said. "I-I saw Hitsugaya-kun outside of school today, but since you guys aren't together, I assume something happened and he left. Karin, I know he's probably hurt you for awhile now but you're better off without him. And if he ever shows his face again, I'll bash it in."

Her features pulled into a silent, painful sob. She wished the world to disappear again, let her gather her thoughts, but it appeared the universe and its puppets were content to be cruel.

* * *

She hated how obvious her misery was. Her body felt like it had been stuffed with rags. Her movements were slow and graceless, and her silence prompted many comments. She swore the reverent hush that fell over her class was so she couldn't hear the gossip. _Karin Kurosaki has finally broke, do you think it had anything to do with that boy she was with yesterday? Yeah, I saw her sobbing in the street Saturday after school. You think he dumped her?_ Her team noticed too, with her lackluster performance. Eventually, she just vomit and she was excused to the nurses.

Of course, She wasn't one for the nurse's office. She knew her ailment couldn't be cured with an antiemetic, because Toushirou was still gone and she hated herself.

A couple of clubs had been released so the entrance wasn't empty. It didn't matter though. She just needed her sneakers and then-

She paused as she opened her shoe locker. Another note was laid across her sneakers. Tears immediately welled in her eyes and her hands shook. Its presence made her doubt the other love note was from Toushirou, he didn't seem like the sort to torment her like that over a virtual breakup, but she just didn't know him anymore.

She tore it into dozens of pieces regardless. She sobbed as she made her way to the plastic wastebin by the door, and she knew every eye in that place was on her because _Karin fucking Kurosaki_ hadn't fallen apart ever before.

Fuck them. Fuck him. Fuck everyone. If they wanted a show, she would happily cater she thought as she brandished a lighter from her bag and lit the pieces aflame. They fluttered into the wastebin, she shrieked, and then kicked the flimsy thing across the room where another student narrowly missed collision.

"Fuck. _You!_ " She roared. She crumpled to the floor and held herself as she wailed. She was a pitiful sight, fodder for the rumor mill that would certainly rip to pieces in the future like she had that letter, but she was too empty to care anymore.

Jinta's arms wound around her shoulders and he squeezed her tightly.

"Fuck off." He spat. The entrance was void in moments. "And fuck that bitch, too." He said, more dolefully, as she rocked. "Fuck that stupid, holier-than-thou son of a bitch. He'll burn eventually. I'll drag him kicking and screaming into Hell myself."

Toushirou would burn just like that letter that stunk up the place with the smell of burnt plastic, and her life would return to some mundane routine that wouldn't even kill her.

She screamed at the top of her lungs.

* * *

Days, weeks, months, and then a year, and then two and then four years. Time didn't feel quite like it used to. It felt like slime- shapeless, mouldable to her mood. Sometimes she was sad and it passed quickly, and sometimes it dragged like her limbs. But it all felt like one day, like it was still that dreamless weekend.

Even with time to gather her thoughts, she couldn't say how she felt about Toushirou. As an adolescent, his friendship was something that kept her afloat in a world that seemed against her. He kept her grounded, he reminded her of her purpose, and in some ways, he was a symbol of the inevitability of the fulfillment of her destiny, of company with like-minded people. Though Jinta and Ururu had learned how to remind her of her purpose there in the World of the Living, they never could fill the hole that Toushirou left.

She hated that she needed someone like Toushirou, even after he left, but she was needy and codependent. She eventually came to terms with that.

Yuzu was enthralled to never see him again. She never did explain what their relationship was. Just a friendship she destroyed, nothing abusive.

Like how she gravitated to the river after Masaki's death, she gravitated to it again because ice was just frozen water. She liked to submerge her legs. They often went numb after a minute or two, but the ache took her mind off the one in her chest. Though the thought to completely submerse herself frequently crossed her mind, she worried that the stubborn, instinctual part of her would crawl out.

It began to reaffirm her place in the universe when college after college refused her. Her high school grades were less than favorable thanks to her shot ambition. It made every day harder and harder. Though her father promised her that there was always a place for her in the Kurosaki clinic, it never sat totally right with her.

Her needs had been torn from her hands and spat on over and over again. First with her mother's death, and then by Ichi's savior complex, and then by another boy just like him who thought her isolation kept her safe.

Not anymore. Her destiny, she thought as she flicked the bubbled to the top of the needle and squirt them out, was in her own hands. She didn't care anymore- not for Toushirou, even though they would be coworkers in the space of years, not for Ichi, who seemed to think her feelings were his plaything, not for Yuzu, because she often felt like a lead weight or a big wall that kept her from her needs even if her twin was the only one who really gave a damn.

Since the clinic was so small and understaffed, they didn't have the checks and safeties hospitals did for their access to morphine. She just needed the key to the locked cabinet and that was it.

She briefly considered to inject herself in her carotid since it was virtually a straight trip down to her heart and lungs where the damage needed to be or into her brain, but her hands shook and she feared she would miss so she just settled or her arm. Four vials worth would kill her either way.

She curled up on her side on the gurney. For a handful of moments, there wasn't anything, but then she felt dizzy and breathless. Her vision when blurry, but when she touched her cheek with her weakened hand, it came back dry. When she blinked, she was beside her clammy and blue-lipped body with a chain connected between their breastbones. She knew as long as that chain was connected to her body, she could be revived. She grabbed the end that connected to her withering vessel and tugged with hope that she could tear it out, but it just yielded more chain. So she pushed that body onto its back, wrapped her fingers around it, and slammed her fifty-two kilos into it. Her trachea collapsed with a crunch, like she had stepped on a styrofoam cup or a pop can, and the chain was freed.

There was a knock sometime later, she couldn't say exactly when, but she had somehow landed in the plastic chair with her back to the clock. She knew it was Yuzu behind the door, increasingly worried as nobody answered behind a locked door into an examination room during clinic hours. She knew her twin called Ichi because she couldn't find her fucking key and she needed to open the fucking door because she couldn't find Karin and he knew what she had been like lately. She knew her brother immediately slammed the door shut and Yuzu fell into hysterics just beyond the wall. But nothing swayed her. Not even Ichi's broken-hearted, teary gaze, or their father's palpable grief, or Ururu's pink eyes and puffy cheeks.

"You're a fool, you know." Ururu told her as she leaned her behind against the wall next to the gurney. Jinta stood on her other side, eyes locked on the floor. She told herself it was because her body was still in the room and it didn't look quite right. Wasn't Ichi supposed to be on the phone with the coroner's?

"I know." She murmured.

Jinta cleared his throat like there was something caught in there. "How're you feeling?" He asked.

"I dunno. Tired. I can't take a deep breath, but that's it." She answered.

They were interrupted by two middle-aged gentlemen in polyester jackets. They came to collect her body, silent because of Jinta and Ururu's presence, but their expressions were conversation enough. _So young. I have a daughter this age, you know. I can't imagine…._

"You realize what the fuck you've done, right? Permanently traumatized your family. You know this, don't you?" Ururu growled as the collectors were finally gone.

She knew Ururu meant her kin, but she couldn't help but think of them. She wouldn't have vacation to the World of the Living unless she was a ranked officer. She had forgotten about that. It made her wonder if they could visit her in the Soul Society. But perhaps they wouldn't. Perhaps they would forget her. Part of her hoped so, part of her wanted to take them with her. What a selfish girl.

Jinta nudged her with his narrow hips. He was taller than her by then, with salmon scruff on his chin and thinner eyes. She almost smiled when she thought about how pretty they had all become.

"Don't worry. Ururu's gotta give you a hard time since we're the only ones you seem to listen to anymore." He told her, and then he grinned. "You'll be the greatest fucking shinigami ever. Even better than the Kenpachi."

"I dunno who or what that is." She paused. "I'll learn though, I guess." She paused again. "How do you think Toushirou's going to take this?"

"Hell if I know. I don't even know why you still think about that shitstain after he up and left you like that."

"I'm going to be working with him someday, maybe even as a captain if my reiatsu pans out." She reminded Jinta. She shuddered. "Do you think… he could love me this time around? Now that I'm dead?"

Ururu and Jinta glanced between themselves.

Ururu's eyes turned to her finally. "... he's on his way." Her friend whispered. Her heart clenched. "You can ask him. We can stay if you want, or stand guard while you get your affairs together. Or sock him. I'm fine with either."

She pushed herself to her feet and pulled the two of them into a hug. She loved them, more than she loved herself or anyone else. And that was cruel she knew, because her family loved her too, but those two were time and battle tested and there was no one she would rather have her back.

Her heart came to life as she felt _his_ presence outside the clinic. It pound erratically, as if her heartbreak was fresh. Her scowl deepened with _his_ every step closer, and she wound her arms tighter and tighter around her friends.

"Could you… could you guys give us a little privacy? I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself." She uttered. Her arms fell to her sides as her friends slipped away. She saw a flash of _his_ hair outside the door, and her heartbeat did that again as she strained to listen to what kept Toushirou a moment longer.

 _If her lip so much as wobbles, I'll take your fucking head off._ _Not so fast, Jinta. I'm itching to blow a hole through him._ It made her smile. Those two were ever-protective. And so was she. They were, especially in that moment, all she had. And they were the best she had.

Toushirou entered the examination room she occupied and shut the door behind him. He didn't look any older and certainly not any taller. It was as if it was just days ago he terminated their friendship. But his hair was longer, his fringe tickled his jaw, a little messier as if he ran his fingers for some hours.

They stared at each other. She didn't even open her mouth, and neither did he. Admittedly, she had daydreamed several monologues over the years. Some were apologetic and how she wished she wasn't so foolish, some plead for his return and for his friendship, some were livid because who the fuck wrote her haiku after they effectively dumped her? But they all seemed inappropriate. Strangely enough, nothing seemed appropriate.

The silence was still pregnant with something she couldn't quite put her finger on.

"Y…" Whatever Toushirou was about to say fizzled out like a sparkler. He cleared his throat and tried again. "I saw your sister on the way in. I don't think she's stopped crying."

"When did you start caring?" She said dryly. It always came down to other people, it seemed. Hadn't she been miserable long enough? She couldn't tell if people just forgot that she had feelings too since she didn't share often, or if shinigami had some philosophy that one must lead one miserable lifetime in order to be obliged to fulfillment. "She never liked you and you never liked her."

Her animosity surprised her, truthfully.

"It's true that she didn't like me, but I never disliked her."

"Is that how you felt about me? What I someone you just didn't dislike? Jinta says you just wanted pretty company to take your mind off your work and shit, I think I agree with him." She spat.

"That's untrue. I like you." He said. "I felt the same way as you did at one time. I loved your company because I got to live vicariously through your childhood, and… I loved you."

Her chest felt a lot of weird things she couldn't verbalize.

"Then why did you abandon me?" She croaked.

"I was afraid of… this. That you'd grow to miss being apart so much that you'd kill yourself for me." He smiled sadly. "I supposed my efforts proved futile. Really, all I wanted to do preserve your natural life."

She scowled. It sounded very Toushirou-like. She wondered just how founded his fears were.

"This wasn't for you. I killed myself because there's no prospects for me here. I have a skillset that's more useful for the Seireitei." She told him.

"And how much of it was self-sabotage?"

She couldn't say.

"Is that all?" She asked. She was done with that conversation.

"You know it's not." He thought too highly of her. She thought too lowly of him, it seemed. How time had skewed their perspective of each other.

"Then go on."

Toushirou's eyes flicked down to her limbs. "You're so skinny. I swear. When did you get so skinny? You used to have an enormous appetite. Nobody with your appetite can be so skinny."

"I stopped playing soccer so I stopped working out. I just run now."

Toushirou's lips tightened and his eyes watered. "I'm sorry to hear that." He cleared his throat. It was strange how she couldn't hear her own blood and barely heard her friends, but his voice was so clear and his heartache made her ache as well.

Toushirou shuddered as he sighed. "You're still very beautiful. You've always been so pretty and dignified, you know. I never stopped loving that about you."

"But do you love me?"

Thus ensued another staring contest.

"At least care about me?" His silence hurt as much her first heartbreak, like a knife between her ribs.

"I'm trying to come up with something that's not going to end up becoming a corny speech. I'm not in the mood for the Shouten kids to find some other sore spot to prod at."

"Perhaps a better question is if you want to… try again?" She said.

"Do you? You sounded so bitter moments ago, Ka- Kurosaki. It gave me the impression that you hate my guts, at least as much as Tsumugiya and Hanakari. If I'm totally honest, I expected you to knock my teeth down my throat the second you saw me." He said.

She dragged her hands down her face. Even in her death, everybody seemed fine to keep things from her. "Toushirou, just answer my fucking question."

He nodded, as if he feared yet another heartbreak but by her that time.

She had considered it, at one time, but that was reality and those were daydreams.

She cleared the space between them in two strides. They wrapped themselves in each other. He felt like a blanket, like her bed, like the first day home after some long mission abroad.

Toushirou stood on his toes and kissed her like she was air and he was a man who nearly drowned.

"I'll get everything in order for you once we get to the Soul Society. I'll get you into the academy, I'll tutor you if I have to so you can catch up. I-if you don't want to stay with me, my sister would love to have you. Her husbands are a handful but they'd like you too. And you'll make a wonderful shinigami. You're driven and you're brilliant and-"

"Shut up and kiss me." She sobbed. His lips peppered over her face as she squeezed him.

"Let's go home first." He said.

Yes, she thought as his hand slipped into her's. Home.


End file.
